On the previous years of my life, everything was astounding. I have a loving family who is always there to support me in my school as well as career paths. I got surrounded by a lot of good friends that I hang out with, and I am living a life that pretty much has everything. But I guess there is never an ending to what God has planned for you. The perfection of my life that I thought I had begun to change when I got diagnosed with leukemia. Therapists, psychologists, doctors, and caregivers become my fortress. That is, of course, aside from the loving friends and family I already have.
How It All Begin
It was summer, and I was perfectly fine before the beach. I am enjoying the breezy and refreshing feel of the water until I blacked out and the wave crashed on me. I never knew what happened after that until I woke up in the hospital where everyone in my family has gathered around. They were sobbing and crying, and I was like, “I’m still, alive, right?” I am trying to hold my grip even though I knew there is something wrong. Then my mom had to break it. “You have leukemia,” that is what she said. I tried asking her again though I am sure I heard her correctly. I didn’t get the clarification I need because she did not respond. However, I started to feel the chill when she stared at me with tears in her eyes. Seriously, it felt like hell. I was only fourteen back then. What am I supposed to do? How should I react to the unfortunate news? Everything that day was blurry, and all I was thinking was, “Oh My God, I am dying.”
The Mental And Emotional Battle
After knowing that I had leukemia, I never felt the same. I am always sad and lonely. I felt so hopeless, exhausted, and unwilling to live. I get anxious all the time and frequently thought tomorrow I’ll be gone. I developed depression. I keep questioning people and God why it has to be me. I often get emotional breakdown where I cried my heart out night and day. I began feeling afraid of doing everything. I lose the interest of talking to people. I become so desperate into wanting to be alone. Everyone wanted me to find the light so I can try to move on, but I can’t. Everything in my mind has already disappeared. There is nothing in it that motivated me to look at the future once again. I am damaged, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Leukemia left me broken inside and out. My life slowly began slipping into the waters of depression. I can no longer see faith in everything. Until one night, I began to write a suicide note that truly represents all the things I want to tell my family, friends, and the world. In my letter, I wrote down I was sorry. I apologized for not being the best. I thanked them for providing everything I need. I wrote down each of the things about them I love the most. I enumerated the experiences and memories I had spent with them that truly made me happy. I looked back and reminisced on my past, and I came to realize it was indeed an excellent reason for living.
After writing down all the things I am thankful for and reading my letter once more, something in my head hit me. I don’t want to die. I want to live. I realized I was too focused on thinking that I will never become happy again when, in fact, happiness is entirely in front of me. I was busy forming an idea that things will never get better, but I didn’t pay attention to those beautiful things I still have. I am not dead, and I can create and share memories with the people I love the most.
After that realization, I begin to picture out suicide as the most stupid thing I will ever have to consider. Never again in my entire life, killing myself will come across my mind. I am loved, and I love the people around me. I deserve to be happy. So as a message to all of those who are suffering the condition same as mine, realize one thing. Learn to value life because everything in it can make you smile, laugh, and dream.